the role of mother

 

You know how I am slightly obsessed with things like my job, running, school, and other various self-centered activities?  Well, a little 7 pound guy named Motorcycle** has helped me realize what true joy is.  While those activities are very fulfilling and satisfying, they don't come close to the happiness and joy that I have come to realize.  Previous to meeting Callum on his day of birth, I was the lady who was speculative about the joys of motherhood.  I knew it would be great, but I wasn't feeling it.  

Without being to cliche' I cannot believe how incredibly happy it makes me to be Callum's mom.    I love that he depends on me.  I love how he makes our family feel complete.  I love how this makes the importance of an eternal family incredibly more amazing.  I love that he is beautiful, precious, and perfect.  I love that I have even more respect and admiration for my mom.  

During one of the many nighttime feedings something dawned on me about this whole mother thing.  The seemingly dreadful, gross, and tiring things associated with little babies are not at all those things.  You do those things because you love him. No questions asked.  Yesterday he peed on me and threw up on me within minutes.  Who cares. 

I love being Callum's mommy. 

**Motorcycle remains a nickname in our house.

the cheap mom

These are the photos taken at the hospital. I am too cheap to buy them.  Can you blame me when they come in portrait packages of coffee mugs and mouse pads at $100?  So here they are in screenshot glory.  

looking a little Asian in this one--maybe it's the polynesian in him

the early observations

Observations and realizations on being Callum's mom

are you kidding me?  how is this guy so precious?

• Wow. Breastfeeding is kinda super rough at first.  Can you say pain? The neat thing is that after you triumph over engorgement and extreme soreness, it becomes a precious time to just chill with Callum. 
• Choosing to be productive over laying around in basketball shorts all day is a win-win.  I have more energy and feel more accomplished. 
• Sometimes I grumble on the way to the crib in the middle of the night.  By the time I get to him my heart melts all over again, and I do what I have to do at 2:39 am.
• I am 189% attached and in love with my little boy.  Referring back to the aforementioned nigh time feedings, I do what I have to do because I know what unconditional love feels like in some small way. 
• Sometimes I let him sleep with me just because I can't resist cuddling him.  
• He makes squeaking sounds, and I love them. 
• I now have a more thorough respect for Heavenly Father's amazing creation, the human body.  He seriously equipped the female body with every little tool we need to be a nurturing mother.  Rather fascinating if you ask me
• All the doomsdayers made it sound like you barely make it out alive while caring for a newborn.  What I am coming to realize is that there is not a textbook method for every little thing.  You have to learn to relax, spot the cues, and use a little intuition.  (still learning this big time)
• Jason and I both have our ways of calming him.  We are settling into what works and what doesn't.  
• I had assumed that he would sleep in our room for the first few weeks.  On his first night home he was not having the bedroom thing.  We put him in his crib from that night onward.  2 weeks in and he spends a good share of sleeping in his crib or rocking chair thing.  
• I was in major denial when his umbilical cord fell off.  I have no desire for him to grow even one inch.  If he stays small and swaddled for the rest of his life, I will be fine. 
• I haven't started running yet.  Sometimes I think I could, but I know my body needs to fully recover-just like I would let it after a marathon.  I only have a few stitches, but I'm not about to mess those things up. I am aiming for the end of this week (the third week post partum).  
• Callum got a bit of a diaper rash going recently.  It was obvious by his cry that it bothered him.  That really got to me.  I felt horrible about it.  I guess that's a mom thing?  
• Pretty sure we have blue eyed kid on our hands.  I realize newborn eyes are sketch and can go either way.  However, I see that undeniable blue sparkle more and more each day.    
• I am very grateful for the endless amount of support I receive from those around me.  My mom has done a lion's share of things that have helped me learn how to care for a newborn.  My sister is now called the baby whisperer.  If I don't know the answer, she does.  
• I attended training for my new job yesterday.  It may have only been half a day, but it was rough to leave him.  The training went great, and I can hardly believe that I will be working as an academic coach next year.  However, I got a sneak peek at the challenges of being  a working mom.  

first day back to work-rough

Can he please never grow bigger than this?

the supreme swaddler-Dad

                                               

the name

Our choice in the name came long ago.  Before we ever thought about moving to America, before we ever thought about starting a family, we kept Callum in our back pocket.  The name is Scottish and extremely popular in European countries-New Zealand included.  When we found out that I was pregnant Callum was immediately thought of.  We bounced back and forth between a few other C and K names, but when it came down to it, Callum was always the top choice.  

The middle name was my choice.  I wanted Callum to carry on Jason's name.  

                                     Jason Quentin Richards.  Callum Quentin Richards

the homecoming

mostly I did this 

and took 99 pictures of this face

braved going to church even though my recovery process is still well under way

and introduced Callum to some of the cousins

and walked home from the hospital sporting our fancy wheels

and enjoyed beautiful flowers from Jason

and learned how to bathe Callum from Amma

and learned to swaddle.  I would like to call this burrito baby

the birth story

I am in love over and over again.  

Callum is here.  

Let me tell you about his arrival. 

On Friday afternoon I went for my weekly prenatal visit.  The visit was very routine.  I was measuring fine and vitals stable.  I did note that I hadn't gained any weight in the last three weeks, but the doctor was not concerned.  Because I was 38 weeks and 5 days, my doctor said that I could get my membranes stripped in an effort to slowly begin the labor process.  

Jason was not able to attend the appointment because he was working, but I knew that he supported me getting the procedure done because I had asked him beforehand.  I could hardly contain myself when I called to tell him.  The doctor said I was 3cm dilated and very likely to begin actual labor within a 48 hour time frame   

From that point on Friday afternoon through the duration of the weekend, we were overly excited and eager about the real thing.  Every contraction was talked about.  Every space in between was talked about.  The progressing back pain was talked about all weekend long.  By Saturday afternoon I was getting discouraged.  Maybe I wouldn't have him in the 48 hours we had hoped for.  I stopped worrying (and reading forums on labor) and wondering about every little contraction and just relaxed. We got a Redbox, got a pedicure, read books, and generally did nothing but lay around.  It was nice to have some quiet time with Jason with the expectation that it may be the last for awhile.  

On Sunday morning nothing had changed.  Irregular contractions and constant back pain.  I couldn't justify missing church because I really wasn't that miserable.  I went to church and by the last hour started to feel different.  The back pain became throbbing and much lower than anything I had every experienced   My contractions were getting stronger.  I couldn't differentiate between the back pain and contractions.  I left church the second the closing prayer ended because I didn't want to talk to anybody.  I couldn't pretend to put a smile on my face.  

We went to family dinner at my parents' house, and the general consensus among them was that I needed to go to the hospital.  They could sense my misery and encouraged us to at least find out how far dilated I was.  I disagreed with their judgement.  Jason really wanted me to go to the hospital as well.  He made a deal with me.  If pain remedies at home didn't help then I would be going to the hospital at about 10:00 pm.  That gave me two hours to rest, take a warm bath, and gather my thoughts.  When 10:00 pm came around I accepted the fact that my pain was not easing.  We walked to the hospital.  Mind you, it's just around the corner from our house.  In my final act of defiance against the decision to go to the hospital, I proved to Jason that I was okay by running instead of walking.  Jason thought I was a total idiot.  Looking back, yeah, that was dumb.  

The ER was filled with waiting people.  Jason explained our situation at the desk, and within minutes we were taken back to triage.  They asked me basic questions and wheeled me right to Labor and Delivery.  I was worried that when they checked me to see how far I was dilated that they would send me home.  That is why I tried to prove I wasn't ready by running to the hospital.  

I was dilated 4 centimeters, and the doctor said I would be admitted at this point.  I couldn't believe it.  It was really happening.  Jason gave me a blessing, and we enjoyed those quiet moments in the hospital room to ourselves.  The neat thing about delivering in Winslow is that I was the only patient in Labor and Delivery.  It was nice to not feel as if the staff were in a rush to provide care for us.  We were the only patients to care for.  

I basically dilated 1 centimeter an hour for the whole night.  I was able to get comfortable and get some rest.  My saving grace to take my mind off the situation was my ipod.  I jammed out to Coldplay and let my mind relax.  That really helped me out.  I got up to walk the halls of the hospital periodically and practiced breathing on the medicine ball.  Those things were extremely helpful in managing the pain.  

Speaking of pain, what I thought labor would feel like is not what I actually experienced.  I very easily managed the contractions through the night.  All you have to do is get up and move to ease the lack of comfort.  The worst part about the experience was the hourly checks to see how far dilated I was.  I HATED those.  

At some point around dark thirty the nurse assistant wheeled in a table filled with scissors and sharp things.  I took one look at the shiny tools and vowed to never look in that direction again.  Why on earth would anyone need 13 pairs of scissors for a labor and delivery room?  The answer scared me.  

Initially I told my doctor that I did not want any form of pain medication.  He said that if I changed my mind I would need to speak up by the time I got to 7 centimeters dilation.  When I finally reached 7 centimeters somewhere around 4 in the morning I could not justify receiving an epidural or any other remedy.  The pain was not bad enough.  I soldiered on to the land of 8 centimeters and beyond. 

At about 4:30am my sister Kim arrived and my parents were not far behind.  When they got there I was still able to joke and talk.  I remember telling them that my contractions were a bust.  At the time it was funny.  Through all of this dilation and contracting I must say that the worst pain was the back labor.  It made it virtually impossible to be in bed.  His head pressing on my spine was ridiculous. 

By 6:00 am my water still hadn't broken, so the doctor went ahead and broke it.  That was a weird feeling.  

 At about 7:00 am things really started to pick up.  I guess this is what you call transition?  There seemed to be no rest in between contractions as his head descended lower and lower into my pelvis.  I started feeling nauseous and had the urge to moan and groan.  Everyone in the room could sense that I was getting close.  Another sign that I was getting close was that Jason started to get faintish.  He turned pale and couldn't stand.  The doctor gave him his chair and ordered him to sit down with his head down.  Poor Jason. 

At about 7:40 I instantly had the urge to push.  It was like a sensor in my body was triggered and there was no denying that my body was going to push.  I had no idea it was like that.  The problem was that the doctor had stepped out of the hospital thinking that I would not be ready to push before 8:00 am.  The nurse calmly told me to wait to push until the doctor arrived.  This just made me panic.  I was calm and collected until this point.  I started screaming and crying and begging to be able to push.  Those 10 minutes were agonizing on me.  The second the doctor arrived I began pushing.  Again, I had no idea what it was like.  I had a hard time holding my breath as instructed.  I wanted to breathe out.  I also had an extremely difficult time keeping my legs way back.  The doctor, Jason, and Kimmy all assisted in pushing my legs way back.

During the pushing stage the doctor asked me if I wanted to feel his head for motivation to keep  going.  I declined without even thinking twice.  Like the table of scissors, I am pretty sure that touching his head would have made me panic.  There are not many pleasantries to speak of during the pushing phase, but I would say that it was motivating to feel the progress.  I could literally feel his body coming closer and closer to entering this world.   After 20 minutes of pushing he finally arrived.  

The doctor immediately dropped him onto my chest, and I was instantly connected to this little boy.  I cuddled him with cord still connected, blood all over the place, and purple skin.  After this precious moment Jason cut the cord.  He cut it in one big snip and it splattered blood all over the doctor's face.  I mean all over.  That was funny.  

The few minutes that it took to clean up, look over, and warm up Callum seemed like an eternity.  I just stared over at the little table in a dreamy state wishing that he was in my arms again.  During this time the placenta was delivered.  That was another weird thing.  I also had to get stitches for a small tear. Prior to labor tearing and stitches was a big fear of mine.  As the doctor took care of the small tear (about 1 inch), I did not even care.  I couldn't even feel it.   No big deal. 

Christie got some neat pictures that are obviously for my eyes only of the placenta and other things.  

I was shaking from head to toe for a solid 30 minutes after Callum was born.  I'm told that is adrenaline.  I was amazed at how easy it was to be so completely elated right after childbirth.  Holding Callum in my arms after knowing that he came just from the womb was unforgettable.  I will not forget that moment.  

I walk away from the birthing experience feeling like I experienced something hard, heavenly, rewarding, and painful all at the same time.  I am glad that I was able to endure the labor and delivery without the aid of pain remedies.  I am grateful that there were virtually no complications.  I did get one small tear from his shoulder but nothing major.  

My life is 9999999 times better.  This is better than what I ever dreamt it would be.  We have been blessed with a precious gift.  What more can I say? 

the wait for my "christmas marathon"

Remember when the days leading to Christmas seemed to drag by as if they would never reach December 25?  Remember how sometimes you thought you just could not wait for one more day.  And lastly, remember how December 23 and Christmas Eve were especially slow? On those days it got down to the hours being painfully slow.  Finally, Christmas morning arrives and as you lay eyes upon the tree and presents left by Santa you were filled with a sense of magic, joy, and amazement at that fact that he actually came!  

I would liken my current status to this in every way.  

I go to bed at night wondering if this is the night.  I wake up in the morning wondering if this is the day.  My anticipation is more than I can handle. 

There is one more metaphor that I can think of that applies to my current status.  

This is where non-runners roll their eyes and stop reading.

Remember how you feel in the days leading up to your first marathon?  You knew what you were getting yourself into when you registered for the event many months before, but you registered any way.   Remember how you trained through good and bad for months leading up to this big event?  There were days where you thought it wasn't worth the trouble.  There were days where you felt like a champion.  Remember how you knew it would hurt, but you knew the pain was worth the gains at the finish?  Finally, you cross the line and experience the triumph of overcoming pain in the name of being your best self.  

Right now I feel like I am just about to run a marathon on Christmas.  Combining those treasures is the only way I know how to vocalize the anticipation, nervousness, fear, curiosity, and excitement of bringing Motorcycle into this world.  

Cheers to 38 weeks and 3 days. 

the university admissions lesson

I love my job. bar none. speechless. lucky. love my life.

My accelerated English students have been working on a project that will prepare them for admissions into a university someday. 

We started off with all the boring stuff.  rules on writing a formal letter, headings, what to include in an admissions letter, etc...

I could see my students' eyelids burning from boredom by the second. I decided to infuse a little bit of authenticity into the project.  

Each student had to select a university to apply to.  They went through all the steps by visiting the college website and preparing the needed admissions letter and personal statement. 

I wanted to take it a step further, so I decided to set up a Board of Admissions from the class.  The Board included a School President, Vice President, Student Advisor, 2 Board Members, and the Student Body President.  The students who fulfilled these roles rocked it. 

The remaining members of the class were potential students of the university   They were required to read their personal statements to Board of Admissions.  The classroom was setup with a podium for presenting and a row of Board Members at the front of the room.  Each Board Member had a name plaque.  

On the day of presenting I literally sat in the back of the classroom with my jaw dropping.  The class facilitated the whole project.  I just sat in the back and listened intently as I was continually amazed with what I was hearing.  Can I please note some of the highlights from the personal statements?

• a girl began her speech by introducing her Navajo clans then explaining how her culture has shaped her educational goals
• a boy bowed to the Board and proceeded to formally greet them in Japanese.  he went on to explain how the violin has breathed life into his soul.  
• a girl explained how the challenge of seeing her dad leave their family due to drug use has committed her to being drug free and top of her class.  
• a girl started with the quote "God gives the toughest battles to His best soldiers" in an effort to explain how religion has led her in the right direction.  
• a girl explained how battling self-esteem issues has led to her being more resolved to reach her academic goals.
• a boy explained how his single mom does everything and has taught him how to be a man. 
• I could go on and on and on.  

The last step is for the Board to decide on who gets accepted and rejected based on their presentation and letter.  I am loving this!  The decisions come out tomorrow...even I am nervous.

To the non-teacher this post is incredibly lame.  Sorry.  I just really really love my job.  It is times like this that I honestly feel like I scored the best in the career world.  

Cheers to loving my job!

the thirty seventh

Time to be honest with myself.  I have officially entered the stage in which I am a little on the miserable side.  I think there is something psychological about passing the 36th week mark in safety.  Each day past this mark has left me feeling very pregnant and very ready to meet my precious Motorcycle.  

It is safe to say that pregnancy has been pleasant and cruisy for me.  The miles I logged were probably a little on the ridiculous side.  I surprised my doctor and myself with my ability to run over 10 miles well after being 20 weeks pregnant.  I never threw up.  I never got the back ache thing. Teaching was virtually no different while pregnant.  In summary, my daily routines were not altered because of my condition. 

Now, let's talk about being 37 weeks pregnant.  

• bending down takes effort and is very unpleasant
• lifting myself from a supine position takes a concerted effort
• my appetite has disappeared even though I know a full grown baby needs calories
• the scale at the doctor's office is depressing (I am at 35 pounds of weight gain)
• fatigue sets in so much quicker these days.  I find that sometimes I just have to sit down for a second no matter what I am doing. 
• standing up after sitting down for more than 20-30 minutes induces SI joint pain in my tailbone
• when Motorcycle moves it is no longer the precious little flutterings from weeks ago.  We are talking jabs and kicks that indicate to me that he is ready for more space just as much as I am.  
• contractions. mostly they are insignificant and not even worth mentioning.  However, there have been several occasions where they have been painful enough to couch me and freak me out.  
• it has come to my attention that there are virtually no clothes left that are comfortable.  I have resorted to wearing Jason's big huge tshirts and shorts.  

In other news, 

Jason is taking two classes right now.  They are hybrid courses that are on an ultra fast schedule.  They consume every minute of his free time.  

Our house is so close to being done.  Carpet goes in on Tuesday.  That is huge.  Can you say nursery setup? 

I am one week ahead in my homework for TEL 504.  The class ends on my due date.  I want to be done with the work before he comes.  3 weeks worth of work left. 

Training begins for my new job on my due date.  Subsequent dates follow throughout the summer. I will be coming out of maternity leave to attend each of those sessions. 

ASU summer classes begin second week of May. No rest for the weary. 

Every day that I go to school I realize that it could be my last.  It is an unsettling feeling.  I have a hard time accepting that I'll have to walk away from the school year and my students.  

I tried to preregister at the hospital for my looming labor and delivery.  The receptionist didn't even know what that meant.  I thought preregistering was a universal principle in the world of babies and birthing.  No go.  

Listening to conference was pretty neato this time.  Usually I completely zone out during the how to raise your kid talks.  This time I was elbowing Jason and frantically taking it in as I received some important counsel on the topic.  

We sent away for Jason's permanent green card.  The first two years you are in the USA as an alien, haha, you possess a conditional permanent green card.  We sent the paperwork off for him to be a permanent green card holder.  

Cheers

the best day of the week

 Sundays have been my favorite day during this pregnancy.  The day starts with Jason making breakfast.  This morning we had blueberry and banana pancakes.  We enjoy our quiet time sitting next to each other at church.  We make many comments about how we can count on one hand the number of quiet Sundays we have left.  Depending on the season, we usually watch a basketball game or a football game together.  The day ends with family dinner at the Bratts.  

These are the days that I am most excited about our family.  These are the days that I stop worrying about homework and bills and take a minute to appreciate what I have.  

Today is Easter.  My thoughts are turned to the Savior.  I especially have one thing on my mind.  I am starting a family because it is part of Heavenly Father's plan.  I am going to be a mom because I know that I can grow and understand His love for us just a little more by being a parent.  I am raising my son in the gospel because I know that true happiness and joy comes from a testimony in our Savior.  

36 weeks today!

the opportunity

An opportunity has opened up to me that I had to pursue. 

Remember how I talk about my graduate degree and becoming an administrator on a daily basis?  Remember how I said my dream has always been to be a principal?  This dream spans back to a time before I even had a college degree.  

credit

Next school year I will be working as an academic coach for my school district.  The position is an administrative role that focuses on improving classroom instruction, strategies, and assessment.  In other words, I will help teachers become more effective teachers.  

I will miss my junior high position more than words can describe.  I go to work every day with a smile on my face.  I am one of the few that can say that I love my job.  However, when an opportunity aligns with your goals, you have to jump on it.  

This new position will bring on a much larger responsibility.  My evaluation is directly tied to the school's assessment scores.  I will be responsible to lead, support, advise, and collaborate with educators across the curriculum and content.  I would like to think of it as a proving ground for becoming the administrator that does the job right. 

Cheers to added blessings and opportunities in our lives!

the thirty fifth week

Hello, ugliest maternity picture known to man.  35  weeks 4 days

 Um, I have been pregnant for over 8 months.  When I state it like that, I can't help but wonder where the heck I have been for the past 8 months. 

Here is the update

Sleep-
As long as I have my candy cane pillow, I can make it through the night.  I am averaging one pee break and one water break per night.  

Swelling-
None.  I am happy to report that I have not gotten kankles.  

Indigestion-
This one is a bust.  No heartburn but indigestion is a challenge on a nightly basis. 

Cravings-
WATER.  I find myself wanting water every second of every day.  I cannot get enough.  It is so refreshing and delicious that I would choose it over virtually any special treat right now.  note to self:  this is your body's way of saying that you need to hydrate more and not so much a craving

Emotions-
They seemed to have settled.  I have reached a point where I just want to jump into labor and being a mom so that I can experience it for myself.  I have read so many books and blogs and forums that my head is spinning with expectations.  I want to figure out how to be Motorcycle's mom on my own, whether I am ready or not.  I don't have my highs and lows like I did oh so recently.  Now I will contradict myself.  Two nights ago we watched What to Expect When You are Expecting.  We thought it would be fun to watch a pregnancy comedy now that we are at the end of our pregnancy journey.  Wrong.  I got up and left the room twice because I was crying.  There were some scenes that I couldn't handle.  Consequently, I stayed up and read my labor and delivery book for several hours after the movie.  Oops. 

Braxton Hicks-
I have started having practice contractions somewhat regularly.  I would say once a day is a fair gauge.  

Physical Appearance-
On the days where I think I am offensively huge and round, it is hard to feel beautiful.  Mostly I feel blessed.  I look in the mirror and am amazed by my growing belly.  I feel lucky that I have not gotten stretch marks.  My weight gain seems to be localized in the belly and boobs area.  Yes, my hips are a little bigger, but it is nothing worth noting.  

Running and Working Out-
It is now a combination of walking and running.  The truth is that I feel that I could continue to run for several miles with no complications or pain. However, I respect and trust the advice and cautions I get from my Love and my family.  It is hard to listen to them when I want to just run.  BUT, this pregnancy isn't all about  me.  It took me 8 months to learn that lesson.  Now that I learned it, I am much more content to take good care of Motorcycle and myself for his sake.  I enjoy walking for several miles with my mom, and I have been completing a walk/run interval on my treadmill.  I am so excited to run again after Motorcycle comes.  I feel like I have done a good job of keeping my physicality up during pregnancy.  I hope this contributes to an easy delivery and speedy recovery.Yoga and swimming are still up there too.

Thoughts on Labor and Delivery-
I have reached a point where I feel like it could happen any day.  I wake up every day with a wondering if this is the day.  I am so curious to experience it.  Will I be able to handle the pain?  Will my natural birth goal become a reality?  Will my running and fitness level really have prepared me for this experience?  Will Motorcycle be okay?  Two things that make me nervous are tearing and pooping.  

Marriage-
From the second we read PREGNANT on the EPT test in August, our relationship has changed.  As usual, Jason has been the constant in this journey.  Always supportive, selfless, and giving, he continually puts my needs first.  The main change I have seen in him as a husband is that he is much more inclined to suck it up and go to work.  I would guess that it's the breadwinner mentality coming out in him.  In hindsight each trimester seemed to bring on new emotions, love, feelings, and challenges.  First trimester was characterized by a new found love and appreciation for each other.  It was exciting to go about things knowing that we had a very important secret to ourselves.  I loved that Motorcycle was a secret between only Jason and I.  Second trimester was the roller coaster for me.  Our lives picked up pace in work, school, finances, responsibilities, and the reality check of having a baby.  There seemed to be more disagreements mostly because of my freak outs.  Now we are in the third trimester, and I have noticed a paradigm shift.  I can't explain it exactly, but my love for Jason has grown and changed.  I have an overwhelming need to take care of him and show him love and support.  I am grateful for these promptings because I know they are timely for the very soon change to our lives.  

Motorcycle-
I just love him.  My heart drops when I think of holding him.  An ultrasound confirmed that he is down in the birthing position.  Intuition tells me that I don't have much longer to wait.  
He has a room full of things waiting for him.  

My hospital bag is packed.  

the highs and lows

the excited Larissa

I am all over the place. 
My emotional well-being is so out of whack.  

Just yesterday I was in a panic at bed time as I explained to Jason how I was completely terrified of being a real mom who would go into real labor and experience what it is really like to   be fully responsible for a precious little baby.  The concept was overwhelming, and I couldn't help but tell him my sob story about how I wasn't sure if I could do it.  

Today I was showered with precious baby things for MY baby.  That concept was exciting, joyful, and wonderful.  I was boggled by the fact that the cute outfits I was opening were going to be worn by my little boy.  That really got to me.  From the surprise baby shower at school, I then went to yoga class.  

My yoga teacher has been extremely accommodating and supportive of my desire to continue yoga practice up to my delivery date.  It is kind of ridiculous how nice she is to come over and modify a pose or offer me blocks to accommodate my growing belly.  The point here is that this support and kindness makes the class enjoyable and meaningful. As we ended the class in shavasana, my mind wandered off to the day I will meet him.  I was calm and truly happy.  I could picture him in my mind and the million other details that surround the momentous occasion of bringing new life into the world.  It was so clear and peaceful that I wanted it to happen right then.  It made me anxious to meet him.  

My guess is that tomorrow I will have a similar pattern going of being up and down.  I don't think I am a whacko, but I do think that some of the grown up things I'm dealing with right now are kind of ganging up on me.  

Just for kicks, here are the grown up things that are really getting to me right now

• the uncertainty of Motorcycle's arrival.  early or late?  safe or traumatic?
• not having to start maternity leave until up to the hour before his birth.  I have no intention of walking off of the job to rest or put my feet up and wait for his delivery.  I want to be in the classroom teaching and carted off to the hospital.  I do not have unlimited medical leave days.
• always the grad school thing.  I really push myself to turn in high quality work each week.  the current class ends on my due date.  I am STILL WAITING to hear an official answer from my professor on whether I can work ahead.  Assuming the answer is yes, I'll be busting my butt to finish all of this coursework before Motorcycle.  How glorious would it be to not worry about school for several weeks after he comes?  This is a wonderland I dream about quite often.  
• the teacher thing.  Let's be honest, I pour my heart and soul into my job.  Sometimes I have panic attacks about leaving my classroom to someone else.  By the way, an added stress to that is that a long term substitute has not been found for me.  That scares me.  I hope my maternity leave binder is sufficient.  I have planned for all of April and May for the mystery substitute.  
• the house thing.  we are abruptly entering the world of homeownership.  in partnership with my sis and bro in law, we are able to make this dream come true.  However, dreams require tons and tons of work.  this house has proven to be an overwhelming task for all involved.  bottom line is that we are learning what true hard work is.  

painting doors

tile. 

I realize that I am being selfish in my sob stories about the things on my plate.  I think it is safe to say that there are a ton of things on my plate.  However, all of these things are blessings that will impact our lives for the better.  If you are a working mom, you better well love what you do.  Teaching and pursuing my dream career in administration helps me be invested in the effort and time I put into my job.  What even needs to be said of owning a home?  It's a big deal.  And most important of all, being endowed with a baby boy literally from heaven is a gift for which I am undeserving but forever grateful.  I am humbled that I get to be in the elite mom club on this earth.  Heavenly Father has placed a great deal of trust in Jason and I.  I feel very blessed.  

the thirty second

32 weeks.  Here is what is going on my pregnancy world:

• Sad to say that my running has tapered significantly  Having said that, I am still rocking the 2-4 mile runs. I always feel like I could do more, but I am learning that ending on a good note is best at this point.  The lesson of stopping while I am ahead and not inducing labor is probably a big thing.   
• Mostly loving my belly.  I have been excited to look pregnant for so long.  Now that it's here I am trying to embrace it.  I try to not wear sweatpants and XXL t shirts everyday, though it happens quite a bit. 
• I hated winter while pregnant.  Annoying maternity jeans or uncomfortable normal jeans were the death of me.  Spring is springing, and I'm happy to start wearing sandals, skirts, and tops that rock the belly.  
• Painting Motorcycle's room was easily one of the highlights I will remember most during this pregnancy.  I was tired and cold and done, but it was so easy to put effort and love into that project because of the connection and love I already have for him.  
• I have gained 20 pounds in all of this.  I expect to gain another 10 by the end-give or take.  
• In a weird way I feel like the 2nd trimester was worse than this.  I slept worse, looked more weird with a semi pregnant belly, and was kind of a debbie downer.  The 3rd trimester has left me feeling like I am at the end of a race.  The finish line is near, and I feel like I have a little bit of pregnancy glow.  
• I have bouts of being thrilled and scared to death all in what seems a matter of moments.  Sometimes I seriously doubt my ability to be a good parent.  Other times I can hardly think of our future without smiling.  Many ups and downs to say the least. 
• My bestest best friend just taught me an important lesson about birth plans.  An idealized birth plan is neat and magical, but it may not work out the way you hoped it would.  I am approaching labor with a little more of an open mind and optimistic view of interventions if necessary. On that note, I do hope to bring him into the world with no induction or pain tolerance medicine.  Easier said than done I know.  

the paint colors

tray ceiling feature in living room

proud dad 

little Motorcycle's room-aqua spray

mocha walls everywhere else
  It has been all demolition since December.  With the exception of new window installation, this was the first time we put something back into the house.

The pictures are a bit misleading.  Jason was at work most of the day.  I soldiered through a day of painting with Kim & Steve.  Jason helped in the morning before work and returned for the most important room of all...

Motorcycle's room.  I insisted that we saved the nursery for Jason and I to paint together.  After Jason got off work we returned to paint his room.  Let's be honest, I was done by then.  Bending down and reaching high felt virtually impossible after a day of painting.  I did what I could and offered Jason quality control.

Sometimes you have little moments in life where you realize that a) your life is awesome and b) your life is about to change significantly.  Jason and I were all smiles as we rolled those walls.  It was a late night labor of love for a little boy that will arrive sometime in the next 8 weeks.

Cheers

the day off

Now this was truly a productive day off. 

1.  run 5X800m repeats

2.  submit homework for the week

3. Motorcycle's appointment

 30th week.  I have gained 20 pounds thus far.  Everything appears routine and normal.  We discussed the big day of Motorcycle's arrival.  I cannot describe how exciting it was to officially have a conversation with the doctor about the arrival of my very own baby.  It was almost surreal.  

 

4.  Manual labor

I put in some solid hours of manual labor at our future home.  Due to my current state, I am the resident sweeper, trash picker upper, general organizer,and low key demolition removal expert.  Today we poured concrete to upgrade the front porch.    

concrete=progress, also notice the beautiful brand new windows

cowboy boots and sand, yes please

Motorcycle's room-so precious

living room with beautiful tray ceiling

tray ceiling

6.  Came home from all of this and completed my weekly quiz for EDA 514

7.  Made a to-do list for tomorrow

Cheers to progress and productivity

the valentine

Dear Valentine, 

Thanks for putting up with me and thanks for being you. 

All my love, 

L

the twenty eighth

28 weeks

All things Motorcycle:

I was very pleased with my mile pace this week.  It is still  in the 8-8:50 min/mile pace.  I know that I shouldn't be worrying or even timing my running, but I just can't help but be curious.  I completed 5 miles this morning and it was amazingly enjoyable.  As always, my running blog tells all. 

Today marks 28 weeks.  There is nothing special or notable to mark this week.  No new developments , except maybe Motorcycle has switched to karate kicks instead of gentle somersaults. 

 I have been to two baby showers in the past two weeks. Both made me incredibly anxious to be at the finish line.  

I wore maternity jeans for the first time yesterday.  It was depressing and exciting all at the same time.  

All things new house:

It is now hot pink.  Even though it looks like we have made the situation worse, it is actually leaps and bounds progress. Hvac, new stairs, recessed lighting, and probably a billion other things that I don't even realize.  

Speaking optimistically, we will be walking across the church parking lot to bring Motorcycle into this world and walking him home in a stroller the next day.  In other words, our house will be steps from the hospital and we hope to be in by then. 

All things my job:

I really love my job.  Without boring you to death with teacher stories from the past work week, I will just say that I loved it this week.  There were some breakthroughs and outstanding work on the part of my students.  I am one lucky working lady to get up and love my job.  

All things ASU:  My professor warned me about the class I am taking right now.  She gave a huge lecture on how it will be one of the most challenging classes of the program.  I was sufficiently scared that I would be reading leadership books until the wee hours of the night.  Oh contrary.  This class is a cake walk.  Don't get me wrong.  I am still busting my butt and spending hours on homework, but I don't see it as overly tiring or burdensome.  EDA 514 professor, you were wrong. 

the dual citizen

It is no surprise that obtaining dual citizenship for Motorcycle has been a priority.  In both countries we have had opposing advice and information given to us.  Some have said that I should give him that choice before inflicting it upon him.  Others have voiced that giving him this piece of NZ will help him understand the two cultures more fully.  Still, others have said dual citizenship is not recognized in my beloved home country.  I have been contacting embassies and doing my own research on this topic.  

After all of this, I have come to the conclusion that 
a) Motorcycle will benefit from having dual nationality. 
b) Motorcycle can legally hold American and New Zealand citizenship.
c) Motorcycle will be just a little cooler than he already is because he will have two passports. 

This is what the New Zealand Embassy says:
If you were born outside New Zealand on or after 1 January 1978, and one of your parents was a New Zealand citizen otherwise than by descent at the time of your birth, then you may have a claim to New Zealand citizenship by descent.

This is what the American Consulate says:
The Supreme Court of United States has stated that dual nationality is a "status long recognized in the law" and that "a person may have and exercise rights of nationality in two countries and be subject to the responsibilities of both. The mere fact that he asserts the rights of one citizenship does not without more mean that he renounces the other", Kawakita v. U.S., 717(1952).

The reality of the situation is that he is not just American or vice versa.  How sad would that be if he grows up with the assumption that his dad is from some island that is 13 hours away?  If that is all he knows about New Zealand, we have failed.  

He has an entire whanau already anticipating his arrival.  Mark my words.  He will know this whanau and culture.  

And, let's be honest.  Having two passports will make travel to and from the countries much easier.  No visas, foreigner lines, or documentation.  

Cheers