the worst part
The day began early. I was packed and ready to go before 8 am because I knew that we had a jam packed day ahead of us. We had decided that we needed to spend the day in the place where it all started for us. Muriwai Beach.
We spend most of the afternoon talking and walking along the black sand. It was a momentous goodbye in easily one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen on this earth. The drive to the airport was bittersweet. I was excited to go home but at the same time was never ready to start a long distance relationship.
I remember that my heart was beating so fast. Each kilometre brought me closer to the airport and further away from my love. I kept thinking that I didn't need to be sad because I knew that somehow some way I would see New Zealand again.
We got to the airport very early. After all, it was for an international flight. The Auckland airport is set up so that you can save your goodbyes for literally the last second before New Zealand Customs and Immigration.
I wondered if I would cry. I had never cried due to a full and loving heart until that point. The second he wrapped his arms around me I lost it. Legit, tears streaming. Not even because of the goodbye, but because I loved him. I truly in my heart had felt love.
As we parted ways I mouthed I love you one last time and walked through the security lines. In Auckland you get one last goodbye with loved ones after security. There is a glass overhead deck that families can go to as they watch their loved ones go through security. I stood there for several minutes looking at him on the other side of the glass. Jason wasn't crying. He was smiling. He always smiles.
He later told me that he made himself not cry. He didn't want me to see him cry so he decided to smile for me.
I held it together for the next few hours as I purchased last minute souvenirs and waited for the flight to board to Fiji. I didn't cry again until the plane left the ground. I was on a plane bound for a Fiji getaway. I should have been so happy. I was, but I was missing him big time.
Fiji ended up being rainy most of the time. It just made me feel more far away from him. I hung on his every word in skype and email messages. I didn't know how to be away from him.
The next thing you know I'm back in little old Winslow. I came home and everything was different. I was different. I had seen the world. I understood a little more about love and who I was becoming. I found it very frustrating to try and explain what I had experienced.
Most people didn't really know what country I was in. Some said Africa, others said Australia. Either way, it's hard to explain just how amazing my adventure was. No one got it. Not even my family.
After I had been home for a few weeks I couldn't help but think that Jason really needed to see the place that made me ME. I knew all about New Zealand. I made sure of it. I wanted to know everything I could about the place that made him who he was. If you know me at all, than you know that I am very, very passionate about where I come from. I am convinced that this little place made me who I am. I am convinced that this place gave me the desire to see the world and love other people and cultures.
I found it frustrating to explain to him all the things I was doing. He hadn't met my family, had never been to the country I was born and raised in, and knew nothing of the desert that I call home. Plans began to form for Jason to see me in late August.
I came home from New Zealand in April. By late June things were not going great. I found myself feeling distanced and frustrated with our relationship. I felt like he only knew one small side of me and was convinced that I shouldn't move forward unless he knew more. Doubt creeped in. We eventually broke up. Yeah, I hate writing that and admitting that. The break up was my idea and left Jason totally confused.
It lasted for about 2 weeks. During those 2 weeks I could only think about how I made a mistake. Good friends and supportive sisters talked me through it. I called Jason up out of the blue and we worked through my fears.
We picked up where we left off and I reconfirmed my feelings for him. Life starting getting hectic for me. I moved back to Provo to finish student teaching. It consumed my life. It kicked my butt. I was so anxious for Jason to fly to Utah to see me. I needed his hand to hold and his love in person. I was so ready to see him.
The day he flew into Salt Lake City was scary. I was so nervous. When he came out of baggage claim my first thought was "oh crap." I was scared. I froze. It didn't feel so natural any more. I think it had to do with the fact that we were in my territory. My doubts and fears were getting in my way.
Jason came with his guns blazing. He was ready to move forward in our relationship. Several days into the visit he asked me to look at something in a cute little pink box. I told him I didn't want to see it because I felt like things were moving faster than I knew how to handle. That made me panic big time. I told him I wasn't sure anymore and that my mind was full of doubt. On top of all that, I felt totally swamped with student teaching. I was overwhelmed with many things.
I hurt Jason so bad. I eventually started avoiding him. It was easier to not see him than to pretend like it was okay. He was trying so hard to be understanding. He would call after school to see if he could do anything for me.
We had planned all along for Jason to come down to Arizona with me so he could meet my family. It was the whole point of his visit to America. Went it came time for him to come with me I was convinced that I didn't want him to meet my family. My sisters told me I was absolutely ridiculous and forced me to bring him. I think I was nervous about what they would think of him. The trip to Arizona was quick and painful. I couldn't hide how I was feeling. I had doubt written all over my face. Poor Jason. He must have been so miserable.
One day he asked me to meet him because he had something for me. It was another busy day at school with open house for parents in just a few hours. I didn't want to meet him because I was too nervous but I did anyways. He surprised me with a beautiful tanzanite stone necklace. As I opened it he told me he picked it for me for a very specific reason. Tanzanite is unique and rare. It is mined in just one place, South Africa. He said it was fitting for me since I was unique and special to him. My heart melted. In my heart I was touched. It made me feel so good and reminded me of just how amazing he was. My head told me to keep my wall up and that's what I did.*
*I'm wearing that very necklace right now.
*I'm wearing that very necklace right now.
The next few weeks get ridiculously worse. I don't even want to waste space typing them. I hate these weeks. I hate that I broke my husband's heart at one time. I hate that I was too stubborn to take a leap of faith.
I broke up with him. He came all that way, for all those weeks, to be with me. I dove into my school work and used it as a shield to ignore what I had done. Jason was absolutely devastated. He couldn't go back to New Zealand a beaten man and he didn't want to be in the same city as me while I felt the way I did. He decided to do a grand tour of America. I can't even imagine how painful it would have been for him to be in America. It seriously kills me.
Fast forward a few weeks. I took a teaching job in my home town and moved home. Jason returned to New Zealand. We were both trying to go our separate ways. The truth is, I came home and despite the thousands of memories I have in that tiny town, the only thing I was reminded of EVERYWHERE I went was Jason. I always hated that he didn't really know anything about where I was from, yet here I was in that same place being reminded of him no matter what the situation was. To me, that was a huge sign. I started realizing that I was much better off with him in my life. I wondered what he was doing. Was he thinking of me? Did he hate me? Was he still so hurt? I wanted to be there for him.
I emailed him. It was a quick email to say that I wanted to know he was okay. That little email sparked a good decision. The email led to a phone call. A phone call in which I wanted to say so much but had no way of doing so. How do you tell someone just how sorry you are. I am pretty sure I broke his heart in a way that is worse than any other broken hearted man on this earth. He was understanding but very guarded.
I wanted to show him how serious I was so I thought big. Christmas was coming soon, which meant I had time off of school. I decided to buy a plane ticket and show him in person that I was back. He must have thought I was a total wacko. Which, I was.
2 days before Christmas I was on a plane bound for Auckland to see my baby.
It all changed after that. For good. Permanently.