Tuesday, August 21, 2012

the same topic as last time

Remember how I described a recent overwhelmed state I experieced?  I kind of lied.  It went on past the post.  The following week was even worse.

I write this only because I want to commit it to my memory of lessons learned-or times I am an idiot.  So, I have about 888 things on my plate right now.  I realize I am not a mom and do not begin to comprehend the fathoms of taking care of another's persons needs.  However, my work responsibilites do hold me accountable for 200 young minds.  I can count that as a high stakes situation.

Back to the point.  It was another rough week.  Crappy workouts.  Feeling lethargic and unmotivated.  Weird week at work.  Not because of the kids--other teacher reasons that only a teacher would understand.

I live and die by my to-do list.  If my to-do list says to finish grading all the expository paragraphs, enter scores, plan next week, plan church lesson, run in the morning before school, and swim after school, then I am going to do it.  I am that person.  It is so bad that on my brief 19 minute lunch break I keep my lunch at my desk and half-eat/half-grade papers.  I don't even allow my mind to wander because every minute of the 19 minutes is precious.  I have to use the precious minutes to my advantage so that I can get more done and start crossing off items from my to-do list.  

The thing is that my to-do list was not getting done.  I had carry over items at an alarming rate.  It was carrying over into all facets of my day.  Everything was going wrong.  First, the to-do list disaster. Second, my vibrams ripped. Next, my bike got a flat tire. Finally, Jason was gone to the Land of the Long White Cloud during my breakdown 2.  It all came crashing down when I attempted to swim laps after school.  I tried swimming my first lap and lacked the mental and physical capacity to even swim 1 lap.  Out of breath and unmotivated to dig down and do it.  I tried to keep swimming and just forget it, but I could not shake this one.  After realizing that I am mortal and that once in a while I can quit a workout, I did just that.  I got out of the pool.  I didn't even care.  I was too exhausted and overwhelmed to care.  I believe this was just a manifestation of how everything was just not right this week. 

Jason was flying back to the Land of the Free the next day.  I resolved to hold out for him before throwing in the towel in life.  As expected, he saved the day.  He assured me and took my mind off all the stupid stressors.  He even bought me a book-a special treat reserved only for holidays!  That weekend I did not do any school things.  I also chose to take 2 days off of working out.  Stepping away proved to be the winning combo for taking back normalcy.  On Saturday morning I did a bike and run workout back to back with my sister. I rocked it if I daresay.  I rocked it only because it feel so good. 

I think that I put pressure on myself to be amazing every day.  While this is a good quality, it is also my weakness.  It isn't so much about appearance and beauty for me.  On a lighter note, this is evident just by looking at me most days of the week.  I pretty much wear basketball shorts and a ponytail all days of the week.  For me, it is about performing my best in all facets of my life.  If I am at school then I want to be the teacher who is teaching--not sitting at my desk telling kids to "work".  If I am running, then I am going to be FAST.  If I am doing my ASU homework, then I'm going to get an A and nothing less.  You get the idea. It's a little ridiculous.  I know this.  In small quantities I try to be loosey goosey and just let it go.  The point of all this is that I crashed and burned big time and it's okay.  This week, the week following the crash and burn, I am rocking it.  Everything seems to be in its place.  Lesson learned.



McKenna said...

Larissa, you are amazing. I hope this doesn't come out wrong- but I am glad to hear about this! You really do seem like a superhuman sometimes and I wonder how you do it/wish I could be more like you! It is nice to hear that sometimes we all have a lot going on and feel like we just aren't cutting it. You are human after all, yet hearing about you overcoming this crash and burn once again makes me want to be more like you! Your perspective on things is priceless and you are so real. Love that about you. Hang in there and keep rocking it. Lots of fans in your corner :)

Kerri said...

Crashing and burning every now and again is normal when you are fast and amazing. All that matters is that you recover from the crash, and you always do.

Glad your husband is back.