Wednesday, March 13, 2013

the highs and lows

the excited Larissa
I am all over the place. 
My emotional well-being is so out of whack.  

Just yesterday I was in a panic at bed time as I explained to Jason how I was completely terrified of being a real mom who would go into real labor and experience what it is really like to   be fully responsible for a precious little baby.  The concept was overwhelming, and I couldn't help but tell him my sob story about how I wasn't sure if I could do it.  

Today I was showered with precious baby things for MY baby.  That concept was exciting, joyful, and wonderful.  I was boggled by the fact that the cute outfits I was opening were going to be worn by my little boy.  That really got to me.  From the surprise baby shower at school, I then went to yoga class.  

My yoga teacher has been extremely accommodating and supportive of my desire to continue yoga practice up to my delivery date.  It is kind of ridiculous how nice she is to come over and modify a pose or offer me blocks to accommodate my growing belly.  The point here is that this support and kindness makes the class enjoyable and meaningful. As we ended the class in shavasana, my mind wandered off to the day I will meet him.  I was calm and truly happy.  I could picture him in my mind and the million other details that surround the momentous occasion of bringing new life into the world.  It was so clear and peaceful that I wanted it to happen right then.  It made me anxious to meet him.  

My guess is that tomorrow I will have a similar pattern going of being up and down.  I don't think I am a whacko, but I do think that some of the grown up things I'm dealing with right now are kind of ganging up on me.  

Just for kicks, here are the grown up things that are really getting to me right now

  • the uncertainty of Motorcycle's arrival.  early or late?  safe or traumatic?
  • not having to start maternity leave until up to the hour before his birth.  I have no intention of walking off of the job to rest or put my feet up and wait for his delivery.  I want to be in the classroom teaching and carted off to the hospital.  I do not have unlimited medical leave days.
  • always the grad school thing.  I really push myself to turn in high quality work each week.  the current class ends on my due date.  I am STILL WAITING to hear an official answer from my professor on whether I can work ahead.  Assuming the answer is yes, I'll be busting my butt to finish all of this coursework before Motorcycle.  How glorious would it be to not worry about school for several weeks after he comes?  This is a wonderland I dream about quite often.  
  • the teacher thing.  Let's be honest, I pour my heart and soul into my job.  Sometimes I have panic attacks about leaving my classroom to someone else.  By the way, an added stress to that is that a long term substitute has not been found for me.  That scares me.  I hope my maternity leave binder is sufficient.  I have planned for all of April and May for the mystery substitute.  
  • the house thing.  we are abruptly entering the world of homeownership.  in partnership with my sis and bro in law, we are able to make this dream come true.  However, dreams require tons and tons of work.  this house has proven to be an overwhelming task for all involved.  bottom line is that we are learning what true hard work is.  
painting doors

I realize that I am being selfish in my sob stories about the things on my plate.  I think it is safe to say that there are a ton of things on my plate.  However, all of these things are blessings that will impact our lives for the better.  If you are a working mom, you better well love what you do.  Teaching and pursuing my dream career in administration helps me be invested in the effort and time I put into my job.  What even needs to be said of owning a home?  It's a big deal.  And most important of all, being endowed with a baby boy literally from heaven is a gift for which I am undeserving but forever grateful.  I am humbled that I get to be in the elite mom club on this earth.  Heavenly Father has placed a great deal of trust in Jason and I.  I feel very blessed.  


Kerri said...

sorry to hear all the stresses. being pregnant takes a greater toll on the emotions. you will likely forever be more emotional than you used to be. just another joy of motherhood. you seem to handle everything really well. i love reading about your life. your house is amazing. it's fun to see all the pictures.

ya wanna know when i had my first freak out about being a mom, on the way to give birth. everyone was bouncing up and down excited and i scowled at them and told them to shut up because i was freaking out. kinda ruined the moment. my second moment is when my baby cried in the middle of the night and i realized i had to respond to her even though i didn't want to because i was so tired and achy from giving birth. that first middle of the night feeding session changed me life. i've never forgotten it. it's better that you gave it some forethought.

LeashyLoo said... is so normal to feel panicky about being a mom for the first time! I felt like that a lot with Bethany. Heavenly Father always seems to help us feel calm at those times though and please know that whatever happens with the birth....he will help you know what to do when you need to do it. Believe me! If you are feeling anxious about the birth...i would suggest that you stop listening to people's horrible birthing stories(that is if you have even heard any). Hearing these made me feel so scared and worried about B's birth. Things will got he way that they are supposed to and you know your own body and will be just great! You are going to be am amazing mother! You are loving and kind and smart and funny and active and you love kids. You have special gifts that will only serve to help you be the best for motorcycle. Hang in there!